built you up with lies, tore you down and didn't cry.

and that's good isn't it, grand isn't it, great isn't it, swell isn't it -- but nothing stays

2010-11-24T09:11:02Z

so i created a new journal, and this would be the last entry here. this new journal was created simply because i felt too stifled in my old one - too many people were reading and it was kinda like politics. i could not mention names for fear of people getting jealous or mad or annoyed or worse, if they found out the truth. i had to be careful of everything i said, and that really spoiled the whole meaning of a journal. i doubt anyone will be able to find my new one, so i think things would be better there. i do not miss the readership, for all they did was stifle me. similarly, i do not miss your companionship, nor your presence... for all they did was restrict me.

i have changed a lot since 2009. good or bad, i am not sure. i think it is subjective. in terms of self-esteem, confidence, i have definitely improved... although sometimes i still feel like a fat and monstrous creature. in terms of personality... i am not so sure. definitely i have gained more friends this year, but my heart has also lost three of my greatest, most wonderful friends. i guess two of them aren't really lost, in the sense that it is not as though i would never talk to them again. we have just... drifted, i guess. and from the look of things, it does not seem that i would ever gain them back in the place they used to occupy.

that being said though, i was having a talk with jolyon the other day about people who never initiated anything. quite frankly, i am tired of always being the one who sends texts, starts a conversation on msn, comment on facebook, calls, etc. i mean, if you do not particularly care about whether we are talking or not, why should i - right? i shall not mention names here, but i guess you know when you know.

goodbye people, goodbye 2010! :)

comments

braides @ 2010-11-23T04:57:00

2010-11-22T20:57:55Z

fact: i am so affected by leesheen's posts on my news feed that yesterday i dreamt i started using 'q's' instead of 'g's' and when i first did that I CRIED. what is wronq with me. woops.

i think people should let go and allow their friend to disappear if she wants to - that is, if they really do consider her as one. they've already given her one hell of a ride, stop making it worse.

making an effort to get my sleeping schedule back on track (sleep before 1, awake before 9) after aloysius entered and screwed it all up :( at least he's feeling remorseful and 'concerned', though! passed paul the whole list of hp books except 1 (somehow gone missing) and 3 (never bought it) today, was so heavy lugging them omg ;( was with jojo at tm getting our respective paraphernalia.......... wanted to purchase books but ah i really do need to bank in the 200 dollars i won. i've been putting it off for ages i do hope the cheque hasn't expired. that would be really, really sad. played pool with only jojo cause doreen fell sick and ng/yuxi was in gym and WAYNE oh wayne let us not talk about that infuriatingly comical and childish dudette. it was fun, talked about quite a bit of personal and troubling stuff as well... hm maybe he isn't what wayne and i classified him under. pool was o-kaaay but i suck in it so bad damn. gonna play it i think twice/thrice next week? with different groups of people probably. went home and managed to follow up with haoyi on what jolyon had mentioned... i think today's a pretty good day in terms of realising certain stuff and figuring out certain things. aloy's turning out to be a nicer person too hehe. desperately need to get my passport done cause 1) i've run out of pages 2) the picture is too old. need to print the application but argh mum has a field trip tomorrow and aloysius (after 1 hour of planning and matching our schedules and digressing and misc) realised he had no ink and wayne has the chalettttttt so :| thankfully there's liqian though! heh. ok i hope the new passport arrives on time argh why did i delay the application for so longgggggg. better send it out by tomorrow. quarreled with mum over two different issues today, annoying pfsh. will be meeting jon tmr for my 2nd hp7 show after... much consideration hah but oh well i guess it'll be okay.

all of you are all for it but why can't you see that this isn't the way it works? heartbreak's definitely worse the second time round, and you especially know it better than any of us. it's a hell of a large leap of faith and trust alone just isn't going to cut it. it never did in the past.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-22T01:49:00

2010-11-21T17:50:57Z

the stupidest mistake one can ever make is to believe he/she has the power to change someone. especially if that someone happens to be a jerk.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-22T00:49:00

2010-11-21T17:05:39Z

still so hurt by mum omg :@ thinking about it gets me pissed to the point that i wanna cry but then again it's a stupid thing to get mad about so wts. whoa i love muah chee man, met jiaen and huijie to walk the night market again hehe ;) this time there were a lot of people though! thankfully i didn't bring my dog if not i'd be getting dirty stares from the muslims and OMG THERE WERE SKAFJKSDF HUGE BEES i was so afraid and all trembling-like you've no idea. one teenage dude stared at my terrified face and sniggered omg :( but whatever i was taller than him HA! ...okay. there were cig boxes and lighters on sale too and huijie was really interested hahaha stupid girl asked me to teach her how to smoke :@ it was so crowded but oh the moon was so pwettyy :) should be meeting jojo and doreen for pool tmr SWEE ah jojo's hand got sprained so i'm totally gonna thrash him ;> got my christmas list done already, gonna get the proxy form done for o's results collection soon, as well as write christmas cards and everything. rather early i think, but after i come back from europe it's gonna be a mad rush and i wouldn't really have time to do anything so... gotta prepare everything in advance i guess. the surgery still seems so far away though... but i know the two weeks in europe will flash past in a blur and i'm so afraid that when i get back to singapore i'll be all SHIT THE SURGERY IS IN 8 DAYS and chicken out. argh life :/

comments

braides @ 2010-11-21T18:08:00

2010-11-21T10:08:33Z

so hurt by my mum wanna cry :(

comments

i had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

2010-11-20T18:36:24Z

wrong wrong wrong wrong.

there's a pasarmalam near pasir ris central! :) met jiaen there for dinner at around 11pm. quite a few stalls were closed though cause it was pretty late i guess. only managed to buy veggie chives, fish tofu and cheese sausage :( i wanted tutu kueh alsooo and try twist potato but they were closed. nvm we shall go there again during the week. it was nice on the long walk back spent talking about... stuff, though. aiyo my hands very itchy for pool but jojo's working every day! :@ might be going to play with haoyi and wayne but doubt so cause our schedules dont match that well. raaarrrr. and apparently mahjong's more important grrr. i'm so bored all of them are playing maple :(

comments

chasing cars and playing musical chairs

2010-11-19T22:00:50Z

fooled twice over.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-20T04:13:00

2010-11-19T20:21:23Z

seven minutes fifty one seconds and the countdown began. somewhere between one minute thirty-five and zero, there was a vibration. and i was so afraid, so terrified that you'd finally pass the test. i hesitated and deliberated for a full five minute before checking it. then i saw someone else's name and i was so damned relieved. that emotion just washed over me, calming my frazzled nerves and soothing my disbelieving heart. and maybe that was when i realised that i could be utterly lost in the layers and folds of different masks and characters and personas and me's, even if i don't even know who i am anymore and i will never ever show to the world who i was (insecure, needy, pathetic) and still are, i. it doesn't matter. i don't need you.

okay so much for being able to sleep early. damned cricket somehow got into my room and FUCK was it huge. dont know where it disappeared to but i utterly regret saying that crickets are better than roaches. godddddd. :!!!!! i think i've played a hundred rounds of solitaire in the past three hours. haha aloy's movie is done and he's on msn via his iphone, so at least i got someone to ride out my insomnia with. walao he gets to stay out and watch a movie at orchard until 4am+++ not fairrrrrr. okay lah but i dont think i would wanna stay out so late on a friday night cause it's the happy hour time and omg choppers D: i do wish my curfew wasn't so early though.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-19T21:41:00

2010-11-19T14:06:46Z

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

okay wednesday i rotted at home the whole day cause mum had a headache so we couldn't go out. it was alright though, but i slept quite late cause was talking on msn with people. plus i had to wake up early :S thursday's grad ceremony was alright, took different pictures with jiaen, eileen, alicia... missed doreen and huijie cause i didn't want to take at first and by the time i changed my mind they were gone. missed clara too! :@ didn't take the food though i did want to try it... looked good. went home, slept, then prepared to meet jiaen and vanessa at jiaen's house. helped them prepare for prom everything, it was fun :) went home and felt so boreddddd nobody was online. but apparently prom wasn't that good either, cause people attending prom texted and called me even while the function was going on :o there were some really pretty people there, judging by the photos! quite a few people had toooo strong and old make up though, eew :S i'd say thursday was a good day though. accomplished many things at night :))))))))))))))))) you refreshed, and i think i'm one step closer to wiping the slate clean as well. slept at 4-5am cause aloy is a bad influence :@

ate lunch with hj then watched hp7 today, it was alright ... but they robbed us of all the fighting scenes :@ hp6 already did that, with the excuse that the real fighting would be in hp7. this one was... bleh. guessed they did it for the kids, but honestly... harry potter stopped being a kids thing after book 3 or 4. there was action in 7, but they were all pretty brief and ... not exciting at all. felt that the beginning was a flop too, voldemort wasn't even scary he seemed like a loser and he was too polite wts D: ah well i guess the real scenes would be in part 2... this part is mostly for story devt :s i wanted to watch this movie thrice but now i think i'll watch it twice at most. after that i went to her house to hang out for a while before parting. borrowed two cool books at ws library while waiting for the rest, yay :D finally met aloysius, wayne, haoyi, chuansiang, haoyi's primary school friend, sean and weiyu for dinner. lol everytime we're together we take ages to decide on what to eat, always under the same escalator too. we debate and digress and consider and change the topic, wts. thought it'd be pretty awkward cause i didnt know cs and sean well (i know haoyi's pri school friend better, go figure). but it turned out okay i guess - they're a humorous bunch. left them around 9, cause they wanted to return to hy's house for poker and i've no interest in gambling. wanted to meet jiaen to walk the pasar malam but her training ended late and the night market wasn't open yet D:

today and yesterday have been filled with unwanted drama :o i hope things get better, hate to see people dragged down by stuff they never wanted to be involved in.

oh and wayne is super anticlimax.. partly due to my influence i guess, cause for a while he sorta turned into a bookworm and we exchanged books every other day.

hy: eh sheryl, so part 1 nice or not?
me: errr, okay lah. not much fighting leh, quite boring. huijie slept! i think part 2 only got action.
hy: huh... eh okay then we all don't watch alr laaa! watch part 2
cs: if you dont watch part 1 how you know what's happening in part 2?!
hy: watch part 1 online lah!
(at the same time)
wayne: read the book!!!

anticlimax ttm hahahaha! all of us were so surprised to hear him say that though! okay anyway this is such a pointless entry :| i had fun today though, and since aloysius's gonna be catching a midnight movie, the bad influence is gone and my sleeping habit will probably return to normal. yay :)

comments

braides @ 2010-11-19T00:55:00

2010-11-18T17:01:18Z

positive and insane outlook:

[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: oh ya r
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: ur operation
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: what time is the
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: i mean
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: what date
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: is the operation ?
[00:48] homeward bound.: 31st december
[00:48] homeward bound.: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: waaa
[00:48] homeward bound.: my new year's eve
[00:48] homeward bound.: gonna be so romantic!
[00:48] homeward bound.: got at least one guy
[00:48] homeward bound.: touching my body
[00:48] homeward bound.: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: AIYOOO
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: u uh
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: LOLOL
[00:48] homeward bound.: HAHAHHAA
[00:48] homeward bound.: it's the truth what?!
[00:48] homeward bound.: but you thinking sick is it?!!!
[00:48] homeward bound.: tsk tsk tsk!
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: nope
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: im not
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: operation lo
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: ^^
[00:48] homeward bound.: yeah!
[00:49] homeward bound.: then why you laugh so much???
[00:49] homeward bound.: you're so weird :S
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: yeazp
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: im weird
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: ^^
[00:49] homeward bound.: hahahha
[00:49] homeward bound.: then sekali
[00:49] homeward bound.: i halfway
[00:49] homeward bound.: no air
[00:49] homeward bound.: i even will have KISS leh!
[00:49] homeward bound.: on new year's eve
[00:49] homeward bound.: whoaa!!!
[00:49] homeward bound.: you know western countries, tradition to have kiss as the clock strikes 12???
[00:49] homeward bound.: :D
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: aiyo
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: u uh
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: hahaha
[00:51] ah lyon / jojo: aiyo

comments

braides @ 2010-11-18T22:08:00

2010-11-18T14:09:18Z

and the heart beats just a tiny bit faster :)

comments

braides @ 2010-11-18T01:01:00

2010-11-17T17:02:13Z

You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offence. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.

You are afraid that you may not be able to realise or achieve your hopes and desires and so you insist that people should accept you as you are and appreciate your rights to anything that you aspire to.

comments

don't you worry your pretty little mind

2010-11-17T16:45:18Z

today was the first day i had two full meals in a day hehehe, it feels pretty good :D lol but that means i dare not step on the weighing scale when normally i step on it at least thrice a day.

these past few days have been chock-full of skullduggery, shenanigans and reverse psychology :s

comments

braides @ 2010-11-17T00:43:00

2010-11-16T17:19:19Z

was out shopping from 5-10 today, whoaaa tiring. especially on an empty stomach!! :( dad fetched jiaen and i to fareast, shopped the entire thing in less than an hour omg this is a first man we're speedshoppers. walked over to ion, then wisma... i realised that i really prefer dark cherry mocha to toffee nut latte. went over to 313 and finally, finally i managed to find a dress that jiaen liked. she's really sexayyyyye in it, omg i can totally turn lesbian for her. told huijie i'm sorry but it's over, i've found someone better HAHAHA and she was all d'aww D: whoa it's so sad, but jiaen wears a simple black tank top and skinny jeans and HEADS TURN EVERYWHERE lol. being tall is so good :( then again she's sad cause she can't really wear heels. every body type has benefits and shortcomings i guess! managed to buy three tops and i didnt even bother trying them hahahaha. two were free-size and one was f21's S and i can hardly wear their M so i was too lazy to try anything. think i might be going shopping tomorrow with mommayeeeeee. whoo i like shopping with her. sigh i've to go out with her more cause she doesnt have any friends she can have fun with... being a vice-principal sucks nobody dares to get close to you, and all her used-to-be-really-close-friends only meet up once in a while.

okay i'm bloody hungry ytd all i ate was a banana and cheese toast and today all i ate was spaghetti (aiyo which is actually quite a lot but idk why i'm so hungry) RAH i wanna die. oh and mum bought an iphone 4 D: she wouldnt really use anything man that's unfair she already has 2 laptops one of which she brings everywhere WHY DOES SHE NEED AN IPHONE. and my plan's only due feb28 raraererahorh although i doubt i want an iphone. it's too common. i can't wait for europe :)

comments

braides @ 2010-11-16T13:15:00

2010-11-16T05:17:21Z

things i want to do before i die

1) visit places that are going to disappear eventually, such as
    a) the dead sea ~20 years
    b) venice ~40 years
    c) luxor egypt ~42 years
    d) maldives ~50 years
    e) great barrier reef ~12 years
    f) machupicchu ~50 years
    g) the antartic pole ~50 years
2) visit the yellow stone national park
3) witness an aurora borealis
4) visit all seven continents (five left to go)
5) learn how to really ride a horse, fly through the wind
6) learn french.
7) write something worthwhile
8) skydiving
9) disappear for a year
10) scuba-diving in the great barrier reef
11) volunteer abroad for a month
12) cross a glacier on foot
13) scale an active volcano (mount fuji/yellowstone national park volcano)
14) visit hokkaido once more
15) go cruising in a speedboat
16) watch a live, european football match
17) tour central europe
18) go free and easy in central europe
19) ~~smoke a cigarette~~
20) get drunk
21) make love
22) try smoking weed
23) visit string orchestral performances in vienna
24) hear the 1812 overture, live
25) watch live performances of famous musicals by real broadway/west end casts (~~west side story~~, ~~cats~~, ~~chicago~~, wicked, les misérables, mamma mia, ~~the lion king~~, jersey boys, the love affair, swan lake, phantom of the opera, grease, the sound of music, dirty dancing
26) briefly study music analysis
27) study literature in greater detail
28) swim with a dolphin
29) skinny-dipping at midnight
30) ~~learn to rollerblade~~
31) complete grade 8 of the violin (~~grade 1-5~~)
32) mix my own beer
33) learn how to take a compliment
34) believe i'm beautiful
35) receive flowers from a guy really special
36) ride a camel in the desert
37) be on the first tourist shuttle to the moon
38) learn not to say yes, when i really mean no
39) have a precious baby girl and get over my extreme dislike of and lack-of-patience for kids
40) learn to ballroom dance properly
41) fall wildly in love, helplessly and unconditionally
42) kick some asses
43) kiss a girl
44) ride the trans-siberian express across asia
45) write the novel i know i have inside me
46) spend new year's in an exotic location
47) experience the condition of being weightless
48) sleep under the stars with a lover
49) forgive my brother
50) spend three months getting fit
51) accept myself for who i am
52) go deep-sea fishing
53) learn to bartend
54) learn to play snooker properly
55) look into my child's eyes, see myself and smile
56) bungee jumping
57) get a tattoo of birds on my shoulder, upon successful completion of my surgery. (credits)
58) spend a day completely naked
59) get a heartbeat tattoo with tiny words (content undecided) in the straight line at the end
60) grow up
61) stop using 'when i grow up'
62) save animals
63) be true to myself
64) ~~have snowball fights for three days consecutively~~
65) jump into a pile of dead leaves
66) skip across a beach
67) build a legit sandcastle
68) learn how to swim properly
69) fight for rights
70) spend a day rewatching all the movies in the harry potter series
71) spend a day lazing in bed with a lover
72) drink the toffee nut latte starbucks drink every time christmas rolls around (so far: ~~2008, 2009, 2010~~, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021)
73) ~~participate in a non-school related community involvement programme at least thrice~~
74) stop running off in the dead of the night when everything comes crashing down
75) learn how to cook a perfect steak, plate of pasta, salmon, ~~scrambled eggs~~, etc.
76) ~~attend a concert by a famous band~~
77) ~~visit another country just to attend the concert~~
78) let go of everyone i'm afraid of losing
79) help the blind
80) visit a chocolate-making factory
81) ~~witness glassblowing~~
82) ~~catch a snowflake on the tip of my tongue~~
83) scale a mountain
84) dialogue in the dark
85) not get married
86) ~~drink premium strawberry tea every day, for a week~~
87) change a life
88) ~~complete an exam without sleeping at all for 24 hours~~
89) be content
90) finish all the books on my 'to-read' list.
91) ~~light up someone's day~~
92) ~~go without food for a day~~
93) get over my irrational fear of dirt

comments

braides @ 2010-11-15T23:25:00

2010-11-15T15:47:33Z

tired, it's past my sleeping timeeeeee and i gotta get up at 7+ tomorrow. life's been strange lately though, i always arise before 10am naturally, and sleep before 1am... i'm also contributing more actively to the household chores too. in the past i'd only do the ironing and folding and washing of my own clothes, as well as vacuuming and mopping and packing my room... whereas recently i've been helping in the laundry, hanging clothes and taking them down... handwashing my own new clothes (in the past daddy used to do that). it feels... good. makes me feel as though i'm independent and mature, as though i can control my own life. and it's even better knowing that half of my friends are too spoiled and pampered to know shit about being responsible for their own stuff - which is pretty retarded of me to think that way but ah well whatever works.

wayne says to not give a shit, enjoy and make the most out of the holidays -- when it ends you click the refresh button and wipe everything off. a brand-new, clean slate of life. what i think is that you have to learn to let go of people you are afraid to lose... so that it doesn't hurt that much in the end. i want to do what wayne says, cut myself some slack and give myself a little bit of leeway - but i'm too afraid i wouldn't be able to let go. there are many different forms of heartbreak - from losing a lover, from unrequited love, from broken friendships, from deaths, from family, from misunderstandings - but all of them hurt terribly, in their own twisted little way. i don't want to hurt, not after that incident.

it sounds twisted and utterly immature... but sometimes i want to be the one causing hurt to you, instead of the other way round. they told me i should let you have a taste of your own medicine. but no, i'm too soft for my own damn good. and that's only going end up to be my downfall.

okay so i went to learn pool from jojo today and whoaaaaaa IT'S MY THIRD TIME PLAYING!!! soon i'll be strong enough to thrash everyone rahahahhaha. my right hand's still unsteady though, roar and i'm kinda conscious about having to bend so much (back hump and all). oh welll. had plans to play badminton tomorrow, which was scrapped and changed to pool, which was scrapped and finally changed to shopping. HEHE! ok but not sure if i'm getting allowance since i dont get holiday allowance... rarrr. gonna turn in now!

comments

braides @ 2010-11-15T21:44:00

2010-11-15T13:46:44Z

It's the old old story - I am misunderstood - my partner (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated. It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by. As for developing a firm relationship - inwardly deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that if you open up your heart and feelings you are sure to get hurt. Since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm, you feel that there is that need to conform, but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.

You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

... wow. every single time i feel lost, i do this test and they never fail to pinpoint exactly what's wrong. it's so cool though, especially the last few parts - i used to do that, but now i've been using the power of imagination and laws of attraction. COOL. and yet it's kinda sad to know that all these are generic answers, and such generic answers are able to describe so many of us (all my friends find it accurate too). ah well. we aren't that unique after all.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-14T20:20:00

2010-11-14T12:28:49Z

you've no idea what it's like. taking a shower and hearing all the slams, crashes and bangs, wishing desperately you have a lock and hoping desperately he wouldn't come up and -
thinking of all those punches, blows, hits that leave bruises only on places that cannot be seen - oh he's smart - never ever being able to tell dad or mum anyway, those nights spent locking your door and cursing when mum unlocks it and crying when he comes up and -
never having anyone believe you, never being able to ever tell the full story (only hinted implications and shifty eyes), not being able to trust, knowing you're all alone. all alone. all alone. because people, they are too terrified of knowing the naked truth. so they rather avoid. push it to the back of their mind. pretend you meant something else.

you have no idea what it's like. and you will never know either, because you're born into an imperfect family that's perfect for loving you. so next time don't fucking whine or gripe about minor disagreements that you will forget a year later.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-14T00:02:00

2010-11-13T16:10:55Z

[23:57] Jiahao: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KuZ-JB8Cqs
[23:57] homeward bound.: you never reply all my smses you come and talk to me
[23:57] homeward bound.: #1 player
[23:57] Jiahao: ..
[23:57] Jiahao: IM SORRY
[23:57] Jiahao: I WOKE UP AT 3
[23:57] Jiahao: many messages
[23:57] Jiahao: didnt reply
[23:57] Jiahao: sorry
[23:58] homeward bound.: :@
[23:58] homeward bound.: i'm hurt
[23:58] homeward bound.: i loved you
[23:58] homeward bound.: gave you my heart
[23:58] homeward bound.: gave you my ALL
[23:58] Jiahao: PAST TENSE
[23:58] Jiahao: SEE
[23:58] homeward bound.: made you a fucking sandwich
[23:58] Jiahao: YOU DONT ANYMOAR
[23:58] homeward bound.: because you fucking tossed my heart away and stomped on it!
[23:58] homeward bound.: there are converse-shaped soles from where your shoe stepped all over it
[23:58] Jiahao: im so sorry
[23:59] Jiahao: but dude'
[23:59] Jiahao: how you know i wear converse?
[23:59] homeward bound.: cause i was fucking blindly in love with you!??!!?
[23:59] homeward bound.: and you never cared
[23:59] homeward bound.: you NEVER CARED
[23:59] Jiahao: CHILL BRO
[23:59] homeward bound.: that's what hurts the most
[23:59] Jiahao: TAKE A CHILL PILL
[23:59] homeward bound.: not the ignored texts
[00:00] Jiahao: WAS BEING SO CLOSE
[00:00] homeward bound.: not the unanswered calls
[00:00] homeward bound.: nor the broken promises, crushed hopes and damaged dreams
[00:00] homeward bound.: it's the fact that you've never cared
[00:00] Jiahao: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5FlhxIibB0
[00:00] homeward bound.: sigh
[00:00] homeward bound.: such a player
[00:00] homeward bound.: you brush it all off with a song
[00:00] homeward bound.: strumming your ol' guitar, hoping i'll run into your arms
[00:00] homeward bound.: but i'm smarter now
[00:00] homeward bound.: my heart's a little more guarded now
[00:01] Jiahao: LAST CHRISTMAS
[00:01] Jiahao: I GAVE YOU MY HEART
[00:01] Jiahao: BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY
[00:01] homeward bound.: last christmas
[00:01] Jiahao: YOU GAVE IT ALL AWAY
[00:01] homeward bound.: we didn't talk all day
[00:01] homeward bound.: this christmas
[00:01] homeward bound.: it's going to be the same
[00:01] homeward bound.: you know
(...)
[00:03] Jiahao: OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH HEY!
[00:03] Jiahao: OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH HO!
[00:03] homeward bound.: my heart got broken by a jerk :@
[00:03] Jiahao: YOU ARE THE ONE SINGAPORE
[00:03] Jiahao: WHO IS THE JERK?
[00:03] Jiahao: TELL ME
[00:03] homeward bound.: that day i call you
[00:03] homeward bound.: i was very very emo!!!
[00:03] homeward bound.: and
[00:04] homeward bound.: YOU RATHER PLAY POKER
[00:04] homeward bound.: so hurt
[00:04] homeward bound.: omg
[00:04] homeward bound.: my country
[00:04] homeward bound.: venice
[00:04] homeward bound.: drowned already
[00:04] homeward bound.: because of how hurt
[00:04] homeward bound.: all my tears
[00:04] homeward bound.: it drowned in my tears!!
[00:05] Jiahao: IM SORRY
[00:05] Jiahao: YOU DIDNT TELL ME WHY
[00:05] Jiahao: AND I WAS ALREADY PLAYING
[00:05] homeward bound.: cause I GOT PLAYED
[00:05] homeward bound.: you were playing
[00:05] Jiahao: NOT KNOWING YOU ARE HURT
[00:05] homeward bound.: BUT I GOT PLAYED

lmao irrationality, i haz it

comments

braides @ 2010-11-13T21:24:00

2010-11-13T13:27:37Z

life:

(around 2pm): eh, wanna watch movie? i'm really bored!! harry potter & half-blood prince okk? my 3rd time rewatching
jojo: now?
sheryl: yup. http://stagevu.com/video/bbwslrmnotek we load, 345 together we press 'play' and watch tgt
jojo: .................................................................

(hours later)

[21:22] homeward bound.: heheh
[21:23] homeward bound.: ok guess what my harry potter so lousy i only now load finish
[21:23] homeward bound.: LOL
[21:23] homeward bound.: i go and watch le
[21:23] homeward bound.: byebye
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: LOL
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: LUCKY
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: I
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: NEVER
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: PLAY LAONG
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: WITH UR
[21:23] homeward bound.: roar
[21:23] homeward bound.: my other frined
[21:23] homeward bound.: long ago load finish
[21:23] ah lyon / jojo: ONLINE WATCH TOGETHER MOVIE SESSION
[21:23] homeward bound.: he wait for me
[21:23] homeward bound.: until now he offline le
[21:23] homeward bound.: so sad

1st time - http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=471826629000&set=a.400244304000.166501.608359000
2nd time -

[21:31] ah lyon / jojo: :(
[21:31] ah lyon / jojo: SHERYL
[21:31] ah lyon / jojo: IM GONNA GIVE U
[21:31] ah lyon / jojo: 2000000 SAD FACES
[21:31] ah lyon / jojo: IF U ARE NOT GOING TO TELL ME
[21:31] homeward bound.: slowly count!
[21:31] homeward bound.: :)
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: zzzzzzz
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: :( x 2000000
[21:32] homeward bound.: wtf so insincere
[21:32] homeward bound.: you just reduced your chances by
[21:32] homeward bound.: x200000000
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: LOL
[21:32] homeward bound.: i tell you lah
[21:32] homeward bound.: but you cfm laugh one ;x
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: OK
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: i wont
[21:32] ah lyon / jojo: laugh
[21:32] homeward bound.: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=729763175#!/profile.php?id=777639946
[21:33] ah lyon / jojo: hmmm
[21:33] ah lyon / jojo: u sure ?
[21:33] homeward bound.: yea ..............
[21:33] homeward bound.: you ask wayne lor
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: huh
[21:34] homeward bound.: wayne knows who
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: EH
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: SHERYL
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: U GONNA STOP
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: MAKING ME
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: LOOK
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: LIKE
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: A
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: FOOL
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: U
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: IDIOT
[21:34] homeward bound.: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: as;dlasl;das
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: AKDSASE7127E3PLASDLSMXC
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: * face palm*
[21:34] homeward bound.: when i sent you the link
[21:34] homeward bound.: you got chua tio or not
[21:34] homeward bound.: HAHAHAHHA
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: GOT LA
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: WTF
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: LOL
[21:34] ah lyon / jojo: I SAW HIS FACE
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: WAS LIKE WTF
[21:35] homeward bound.: HAHAHAHHAHAHAH
[21:35] homeward bound.: WAH
[21:35] homeward bound.: I WISH GOT WEBCAM
[21:35] homeward bound.: THEN I CAN SEE YOUR FACE
[21:35] homeward bound.: HAHAHAHAHAH
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: ok
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: u imagine me
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: squeezing my eyebrows
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: into the middle
[21:35] ah lyon / jojo: and making a wtf face

entertainment = A*

comments

braides @ 2010-11-13T20:24:00

2010-11-13T12:26:07Z

so when my emotions are helter-skelter, my body does not need food. realisation stemmed from a conversation with a friend, in which he had said at eight pm: "mm, just had an amazing dinner. have you had yours?" and that was when i had realised that i literally had nothing for the entire day, sans for milo at 9am. which is okay, nothing new because i have done days without food before, until i realised that this time i didn't even need to sleep in exchange for not eating. if i don't get food, i normally zonk out after seven hours of being awake. it has been twelve hours now, and here i am, awake and without appetite. now don't get me wrong - i did try to sleep... except it didn't work and i lay* in bed for an entire hour smelling my baby's fur. how my body functions, i do not know. but yay it is amazing.

anyway you know there is something wrong with you when you start getting angry at things in advance, just because you know it will happen this way and you know your hopes will be crushed and you know disappointment will overwhelm your being. and you know something is wrong when your supposed best friend jumps and screams in delight I KNEW IT!!! YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME, instead of sympathising and offering to kick that person's ass, after your confession to something extremely lamentable. but oh, what else is new? that's what friends are for, he he he he :p

and when you're a girl and had gaming dreams for at least six times the past semester, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. you're a not a gamer geek, even if yes you started playing mmorpgs at the age of seven-eight wtf. no i shall not succumb to games again... and besides no game can top the one called life.

but best of all - you don't even mind that much that you've been utterly and irrevocably played, in every sense of the word. you can call him a jerk, with a pretty :@ face to match - but you did had it coming.

* -- it is funny, but while checking my post for errors, i saw 'lay in bed' and thought wait, no, shouldn't it be laid? then i referred back to the usage notes of tfd, which i read the year before but obviously needed some reminding - 'Usage Note: Lay ("to put, place, or prepare") and lie ("to recline or be situated") have been confused for centuries; evidence exists that lay has been used to mean "lie" since the 1300s. Why? First, there are two lays. One is the base form of the verb lay, and the other is the past tense of lie. Second, lay was once used with a reflexive pronoun to mean "lie" and survives in the familiar line from the child's prayer Now I lay me down to sleep; lay me down is easily shortened to lay down. Third, lay down, as in She lay down on the sofa sounds the same as laid down, as in I laid down the law to the kids. · Lay and lie are most easily distinguished by usage. Lay is a transitive verb and takes a direct object. Lay and its principal parts (laid, laying) are correctly used in the following examples: He laid (not lay) the newspaper on the table. The table was laid for four. Lie is an intransitive verb and cannot take an object. Lie and its principal parts (lay, lain, lying) are correctly used in the following examples: She often lies (not lays) down after lunch. When I lay (not laid) down, I fell asleep. The rubbish had lain (not laid) there a week. I was lying (not laying) in bed when he called. · There are a few exceptions to these rules. The phrasal verb lay for and the nautical use of lay, as in lay at anchor, though intransitive, are standard.'
... anyway in case it is tl;dr, it is funny how i am right the first try, but as soon as i think too much, i get the wrong option.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-12T23:40:00

2010-11-12T15:43:28Z

i need to stop doing this.

and i'm sorry, sorry for saying one thing then losing all of it a few months later. i wish i could be like you, wish i stuck to our promise. it's hard, though. really, really hard and even disposing everything didn't help much. you were trying so desperately to cheer me up yesterday, and today you even went the extra mile to make sure i was alright again when you knew my phone was off. so i'm sorry, because i can't tell you what's up this time. i know it's not very fair, but i want to remain as the one who fulfilled our promise first and never looked back. even if i did look back in the end, and lost everything then.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-12T23:04:00

2010-11-12T15:09:38Z

please don't fall in love with me :p and you said maybe and darling, you know we don't need this. there's no point in being each other's rebound.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-12T07:15:00

2010-11-11T23:26:58Z

it was funny, crying so much while curled up on my bed and clutching baby to me. then i couldn't stand it anymore and hurtled into the wardrobe. nobody was at home, and after so many years i finally let go, finally didn't muffle my cries anymore because nobody would hear or make a fuss anyway. enveloped by the clothes and hugging a cushion tight enough to exert pressure, i finally felt okay again. my cell vibrated, and there you were trying desperately to cheer me up. it worked, for a while. i stopped crying, i didn't reply but you still continued texting. i think i even smiled a little, before slowly crawling back to bed. i don't know what triggered it, but then it started, all over again and even your texts didn't work anymore. i cried so hard my entire body started going into spasms, and i couldn't control it and it was terrifying and all i could do was continue wailing broken sobs and somewhere in the middle of it all i realised i hadn't cried this much, this hard, this uncontrollably since my first dog died three years ago. then i started laughing, though my laughter carried no sound nor tale. it added to the spasms, if you will, and i cried and laughed all at the same time. it must have been a strange sight i guess, because my dog got all confused and started running around me frantically. it felt terrible, being so alone and wanting someone to be on the phone with you so much, but not having anyone. it felt terrible, wishing for everything to be dark so you can disappear in your bed but your curtains are not able to fully conceal the light of the setting sun. it felt terrible, wanting to bolt and disappear, regardless of what might happen to you. it felt terrible, needing a cigarette again and knowing they're just two steps away but you cannot afford to smoke because of your surgery. it felt terrible, taking out the battery and sim card of your phone and throwing it away blindly. i finally stopped when i realised there was no point crying over what cannot be changed, what cannot be undone. and now i am left to pick up the broken fragments of hopes and dreams.

i still haven't done anything for physics so i guess i'm going to start on the tys later. somehow i feel liberated without my phone... i don't even want to go searching for the sim card. weird. i didn't get dinner the previous day but i still feel so full. lack of appetite, i guess. my head hurts. k bye.

comments

braides @ 2010-11-11T17:57:00

2010-11-11T09:57:28Z

feeling terrible.

stop crying

comments