i have changed a lot since 2009. good or bad, i am not sure. i think it is subjective. in terms of self-esteem, confidence, i have definitely improved... although sometimes i still feel like a fat and monstrous creature. in terms of personality... i am not so sure. definitely i have gained more friends this year, but my heart has also lost three of my greatest, most wonderful friends. i guess two of them aren't really lost, in the sense that it is not as though i would never talk to them again. we have just... drifted, i guess. and from the look of things, it does not seem that i would ever gain them back in the place they used to occupy.
that being said though, i was having a talk with jolyon the other day about people who never initiated anything. quite frankly, i am tired of always being the one who sends texts, starts a conversation on msn, comment on facebook, calls, etc. i mean, if you do not particularly care about whether we are talking or not, why should i - right? i shall not mention names here, but i guess you know when you know.
goodbye people, goodbye 2010! :)
i think people should let go and allow their friend to disappear if she wants to - that is, if they really do consider her as one. they've already given her one hell of a ride, stop making it worse.
making an effort to get my sleeping schedule back on track (sleep before 1, awake before 9) after aloysius entered and screwed it all up :( at least he's feeling remorseful and 'concerned', though! passed paul the whole list of hp books except 1 (somehow gone missing) and 3 (never bought it) today, was so heavy lugging them omg ;( was with jojo at tm getting our respective paraphernalia.......... wanted to purchase books but ah i really do need to bank in the 200 dollars i won. i've been putting it off for ages i do hope the cheque hasn't expired. that would be really, really sad. played pool with only jojo cause doreen fell sick and ng/yuxi was in gym and WAYNE oh wayne let us not talk about that infuriatingly comical and childish dudette. it was fun, talked about quite a bit of personal and troubling stuff as well... hm maybe he isn't what wayne and i classified him under. pool was o-kaaay but i suck in it so bad damn. gonna play it i think twice/thrice next week? with different groups of people probably. went home and managed to follow up with haoyi on what jolyon had mentioned... i think today's a pretty good day in terms of realising certain stuff and figuring out certain things. aloy's turning out to be a nicer person too hehe. desperately need to get my passport done cause 1) i've run out of pages 2) the picture is too old. need to print the application but argh mum has a field trip tomorrow and aloysius (after 1 hour of planning and matching our schedules and digressing and misc) realised he had no ink and wayne has the chalettttttt so :| thankfully there's liqian though! heh. ok i hope the new passport arrives on time argh why did i delay the application for so longgggggg. better send it out by tomorrow. quarreled with mum over two different issues today, annoying pfsh. will be meeting jon tmr for my 2nd hp7 show after... much consideration hah but oh well i guess it'll be okay.
all of you are all for it but why can't you see that this isn't the way it works? heartbreak's definitely worse the second time round, and you especially know it better than any of us. it's a hell of a large leap of faith and trust alone just isn't going to cut it. it never did in the past.
there's a pasarmalam near pasir ris central! :) met jiaen there for dinner at around 11pm. quite a few stalls were closed though cause it was pretty late i guess. only managed to buy veggie chives, fish tofu and cheese sausage :( i wanted tutu kueh alsooo and try twist potato but they were closed. nvm we shall go there again during the week. it was nice on the long walk back spent talking about... stuff, though. aiyo my hands very itchy for pool but jojo's working every day! :@ might be going to play with haoyi and wayne but doubt so cause our schedules dont match that well. raaarrrr. and apparently mahjong's more important grrr. i'm so bored all of them are playing maple :(
okay so much for being able to sleep early. damned cricket somehow got into my room and FUCK was it huge. dont know where it disappeared to but i utterly regret saying that crickets are better than roaches. godddddd. :!!!!! i think i've played a hundred rounds of solitaire in the past three hours. haha aloy's movie is done and he's on msn via his iphone, so at least i got someone to ride out my insomnia with. walao he gets to stay out and watch a movie at orchard until 4am+++ not fairrrrrr. okay lah but i dont think i would wanna stay out so late on a friday night cause it's the happy hour time and omg choppers D: i do wish my curfew wasn't so early though.
okay wednesday i rotted at home the whole day cause mum had a headache so we couldn't go out. it was alright though, but i slept quite late cause was talking on msn with people. plus i had to wake up early :S thursday's grad ceremony was alright, took different pictures with jiaen, eileen, alicia... missed doreen and huijie cause i didn't want to take at first and by the time i changed my mind they were gone. missed clara too! :@ didn't take the food though i did want to try it... looked good. went home, slept, then prepared to meet jiaen and vanessa at jiaen's house. helped them prepare for prom everything, it was fun :) went home and felt so boreddddd nobody was online. but apparently prom wasn't that good either, cause people attending prom texted and called me even while the function was going on :o there were some really pretty people there, judging by the photos! quite a few people had toooo strong and old make up though, eew :S i'd say thursday was a good day though. accomplished many things at night :))))))))))))))))) you refreshed, and i think i'm one step closer to wiping the slate clean as well. slept at 4-5am cause aloy is a bad influence :@
ate lunch with hj then watched hp7 today, it was alright ... but they robbed us of all the fighting scenes :@ hp6 already did that, with the excuse that the real fighting would be in hp7. this one was... bleh. guessed they did it for the kids, but honestly... harry potter stopped being a kids thing after book 3 or 4. there was action in 7, but they were all pretty brief and ... not exciting at all. felt that the beginning was a flop too, voldemort wasn't even scary he seemed like a loser and he was too polite wts D: ah well i guess the real scenes would be in part 2... this part is mostly for story devt :s i wanted to watch this movie thrice but now i think i'll watch it twice at most. after that i went to her house to hang out for a while before parting. borrowed two cool books at ws library while waiting for the rest, yay :D finally met aloysius, wayne, haoyi, chuansiang, haoyi's primary school friend, sean and weiyu for dinner. lol everytime we're together we take ages to decide on what to eat, always under the same escalator too. we debate and digress and consider and change the topic, wts. thought it'd be pretty awkward cause i didnt know cs and sean well (i know haoyi's pri school friend better, go figure). but it turned out okay i guess - they're a humorous bunch. left them around 9, cause they wanted to return to hy's house for poker and i've no interest in gambling. wanted to meet jiaen to walk the pasar malam but her training ended late and the night market wasn't open yet D:
today and yesterday have been filled with unwanted drama :o i hope things get better, hate to see people dragged down by stuff they never wanted to be involved in.
oh and wayne is super anticlimax.. partly due to my influence i guess, cause for a while he sorta turned into a bookworm and we exchanged books every other day.
hy: eh sheryl, so part 1 nice or not?
me: errr, okay lah. not much fighting leh, quite boring. huijie slept! i think part 2 only got action.
hy: huh... eh okay then we all don't watch alr laaa! watch part 2
cs: if you dont watch part 1 how you know what's happening in part 2?!
hy: watch part 1 online lah!
(at the same time)
wayne: read the book!!!
anticlimax ttm hahahaha! all of us were so surprised to hear him say that though! okay anyway this is such a pointless entry :| i had fun today though, and since aloysius's gonna be catching a midnight movie, the bad influence is gone and my sleeping habit will probably return to normal. yay :)
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: oh ya r
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: ur operation
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: what time is the
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: i mean
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: what date
[00:47] ah lyon / jojo: is the operation ?
[00:48] homeward bound.: 31st december
[00:48] homeward bound.: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: waaa
[00:48] homeward bound.: my new year's eve
[00:48] homeward bound.: gonna be so romantic!
[00:48] homeward bound.: got at least one guy
[00:48] homeward bound.: touching my body
[00:48] homeward bound.: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: LOL
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: AIYOOO
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: u uh
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: LOLOL
[00:48] homeward bound.: HAHAHHAA
[00:48] homeward bound.: it's the truth what?!
[00:48] homeward bound.: but you thinking sick is it?!!!
[00:48] homeward bound.: tsk tsk tsk!
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: nope
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: im not
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: operation lo
[00:48] ah lyon / jojo: ^^
[00:48] homeward bound.: yeah!
[00:49] homeward bound.: then why you laugh so much???
[00:49] homeward bound.: you're so weird :S
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: yeazp
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: im weird
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: ^^
[00:49] homeward bound.: hahahha
[00:49] homeward bound.: then sekali
[00:49] homeward bound.: i halfway
[00:49] homeward bound.: no air
[00:49] homeward bound.: i even will have KISS leh!
[00:49] homeward bound.: on new year's eve
[00:49] homeward bound.: whoaa!!!
[00:49] homeward bound.: you know western countries, tradition to have kiss as the clock strikes 12???
[00:49] homeward bound.: :D
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: aiyo
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: u uh
[00:49] ah lyon / jojo: hahaha
[00:51] ah lyon / jojo: aiyo
You are afraid that you may not be able to realise or achieve your hopes and desires and so you insist that people should accept you as you are and appreciate your rights to anything that you aspire to.
these past few days have been chock-full of skullduggery, shenanigans and reverse psychology :s
okay i'm bloody hungry ytd all i ate was a banana and cheese toast and today all i ate was spaghetti (aiyo which is actually quite a lot but idk why i'm so hungry) RAH i wanna die. oh and mum bought an iphone 4 D: she wouldnt really use anything man that's unfair she already has 2 laptops one of which she brings everywhere WHY DOES SHE NEED AN IPHONE. and my plan's only due feb28 raraererahorh although i doubt i want an iphone. it's too common. i can't wait for europe :)
things i want to do before i die
1) visit places that are going to disappear eventually, such as
a) the dead sea ~20 years
b) venice ~40 years
c) luxor egypt ~42 years
d) maldives ~50 years
e) great barrier reef ~12 years
f) machupicchu ~50 years
g) the antartic pole ~50 years
2) visit the yellow stone national park
3) witness an aurora borealis
4) visit all seven continents (five left to go)
5) learn how to really ride a horse, fly through the wind
6) learn french.
7) write something worthwhile
9) disappear for a year
10) scuba-diving in the great barrier reef
11) volunteer abroad for a month
12) cross a glacier on foot
13) scale an active volcano (mount fuji/yellowstone national park volcano)
14) visit hokkaido once more
15) go cruising in a speedboat
16) watch a live, european football match
17) tour central europe
18) go free and easy in central europe
smoke a cigarette
20) get drunk
21) make love
22) try smoking weed
23) visit string orchestral performances in vienna
24) hear the 1812 overture, live
25) watch live performances of famous musicals by real broadway/west end casts (
west side story, cats, chicago, wicked, les misérables, mamma mia, the lion king, jersey boys, the love affair, swan lake, phantom of the opera, grease, the sound of music, dirty dancing
26) briefly study music analysis
27) study literature in greater detail
28) swim with a dolphin
29) skinny-dipping at midnight
learn to rollerblade
31) complete grade 8 of the violin (
32) mix my own beer
33) learn how to take a compliment
34) believe i'm beautiful
35) receive flowers from a guy really special
36) ride a camel in the desert
37) be on the first tourist shuttle to the moon
38) learn not to say yes, when i really mean no
39) have a precious baby girl and get over my extreme dislike of and lack-of-patience for kids
40) learn to ballroom dance properly
41) fall wildly in love, helplessly and unconditionally
42) kick some asses
43) kiss a girl
44) ride the trans-siberian express across asia
45) write the novel i know i have inside me
46) spend new year's in an exotic location
47) experience the condition of being weightless
48) sleep under the stars with a lover
49) forgive my brother
50) spend three months getting fit
51) accept myself for who i am
52) go deep-sea fishing
53) learn to bartend
54) learn to play snooker properly
55) look into my child's eyes, see myself and smile
56) bungee jumping
57) get a tattoo of birds on my shoulder, upon successful completion of my surgery. (credits)
58) spend a day completely naked
59) get a heartbeat tattoo with tiny words (content undecided) in the straight line at the end
60) grow up
61) stop using 'when i grow up'
62) save animals
63) be true to myself
have snowball fights for three days consecutively
65) jump into a pile of dead leaves
66) skip across a beach
67) build a legit sandcastle
68) learn how to swim properly
69) fight for rights
70) spend a day rewatching all the movies in the harry potter series
71) spend a day lazing in bed with a lover
72) drink the toffee nut latte starbucks drink every time christmas rolls around (so far:
2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021)
participate in a non-school related community involvement programme at least thrice
74) stop running off in the dead of the night when everything comes crashing down
75) learn how to cook a perfect steak, plate of pasta, salmon,
scrambled eggs, etc.
attend a concert by a famous band
visit another country just to attend the concert
78) let go of everyone i'm afraid of losing
79) help the blind
80) visit a chocolate-making factory
catch a snowflake on the tip of my tongue
83) scale a mountain
84) dialogue in the dark
85) not get married
drink premium strawberry tea every day, for a week
87) change a life
complete an exam without sleeping at all for 24 hours
89) be content
90) finish all the books on my 'to-read' list.
light up someone's day
go without food for a day
93) get over my irrational fear of dirt
wayne says to not give a shit, enjoy and make the most out of the holidays -- when it ends you click the refresh button and wipe everything off. a brand-new, clean slate of life. what i think is that you have to learn to let go of people you are afraid to lose... so that it doesn't hurt that much in the end. i want to do what wayne says, cut myself some slack and give myself a little bit of leeway - but i'm too afraid i wouldn't be able to let go. there are many different forms of heartbreak - from losing a lover, from unrequited love, from broken friendships, from deaths, from family, from misunderstandings - but all of them hurt terribly, in their own twisted little way. i don't want to hurt, not after that incident.
it sounds twisted and utterly immature... but sometimes i want to be the one causing hurt to you, instead of the other way round. they told me i should let you have a taste of your own medicine. but no, i'm too soft for my own damn good. and that's only going end up to be my downfall.
okay so i went to learn pool from jojo today and whoaaaaaa IT'S MY THIRD TIME PLAYING!!! soon i'll be strong enough to thrash everyone rahahahhaha. my right hand's still unsteady though, roar and i'm kinda conscious about having to bend so much (back hump and all). oh welll. had plans to play badminton tomorrow, which was scrapped and changed to pool, which was scrapped and finally changed to shopping. HEHE! ok but not sure if i'm getting allowance since i dont get holiday allowance... rarrr. gonna turn in now!
It's the old old story - I am misunderstood - my partner (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated. It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by. As for developing a firm relationship - inwardly deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that if you open up your heart and feelings you are sure to get hurt. Since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm, you feel that there is that need to conform, but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.
You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.
There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
... wow. every single time i feel lost, i do this test and they never fail to pinpoint exactly what's wrong. it's so cool though, especially the last few parts - i used to do that, but now i've been using the power of imagination and laws of attraction. COOL. and yet it's kinda sad to know that all these are generic answers, and such generic answers are able to describe so many of us (all my friends find it accurate too). ah well. we aren't that unique after all.
thinking of all those punches, blows, hits that leave bruises only on places that cannot be seen - oh he's smart - never ever being able to tell dad or mum anyway, those nights spent locking your door and cursing when mum unlocks it and crying when he comes up and -
never having anyone believe you, never being able to ever tell the full story (only hinted implications and shifty eyes), not being able to trust, knowing you're all alone. all alone. all alone. because people, they are too terrified of knowing the naked truth. so they rather avoid. push it to the back of their mind. pretend you meant something else.
you have no idea what it's like. and you will never know either, because you're born into an imperfect family that's perfect for loving you. so next time don't fucking whine or gripe about minor disagreements that you will forget a year later.
[23:57] homeward bound.: you never reply all my smses you come and talk to me
[23:57] homeward bound.: #1 player
[23:57] Jiahao: ..
[23:57] Jiahao: IM SORRY
[23:57] Jiahao: I WOKE UP AT 3
[23:57] Jiahao: many messages
[23:57] Jiahao: didnt reply
[23:57] Jiahao: sorry
[23:58] homeward bound.: :@
[23:58] homeward bound.: i'm hurt
[23:58] homeward bound.: i loved you
[23:58] homeward bound.: gave you my heart
[23:58] homeward bound.: gave you my ALL
[23:58] Jiahao: PAST TENSE
[23:58] Jiahao: SEE
[23:58] homeward bound.: made you a fucking sandwich
[23:58] Jiahao: YOU DONT ANYMOAR
[23:58] homeward bound.: because you fucking tossed my heart away and stomped on it!
[23:58] homeward bound.: there are converse-shaped soles from where your shoe stepped all over it
[23:58] Jiahao: im so sorry
[23:59] Jiahao: but dude'
[23:59] Jiahao: how you know i wear converse?
[23:59] homeward bound.: cause i was fucking blindly in love with you!??!!?
[23:59] homeward bound.: and you never cared
[23:59] homeward bound.: you NEVER CARED
[23:59] Jiahao: CHILL BRO
[23:59] homeward bound.: that's what hurts the most
[23:59] Jiahao: TAKE A CHILL PILL
[23:59] homeward bound.: not the ignored texts
[00:00] Jiahao: WAS BEING SO CLOSE
[00:00] homeward bound.: not the unanswered calls
[00:00] homeward bound.: nor the broken promises, crushed hopes and damaged dreams
[00:00] homeward bound.: it's the fact that you've never cared
[00:00] Jiahao: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5FlhxIi
[00:00] homeward bound.: sigh
[00:00] homeward bound.: such a player
[00:00] homeward bound.: you brush it all off with a song
[00:00] homeward bound.: strumming your ol' guitar, hoping i'll run into your arms
[00:00] homeward bound.: but i'm smarter now
[00:00] homeward bound.: my heart's a little more guarded now
[00:01] Jiahao: LAST CHRISTMAS
[00:01] Jiahao: I GAVE YOU MY HEART
[00:01] Jiahao: BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY
[00:01] homeward bound.: last christmas
[00:01] Jiahao: YOU GAVE IT ALL AWAY
[00:01] homeward bound.: we didn't talk all day
[00:01] homeward bound.: this christmas
[00:01] homeward bound.: it's going to be the same
[00:01] homeward bound.: you know
[00:03] Jiahao: OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH HEY!
[00:03] Jiahao: OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH HO!
[00:03] homeward bound.: my heart got broken by a jerk :@
[00:03] Jiahao: YOU ARE THE ONE SINGAPORE
[00:03] Jiahao: WHO IS THE JERK?
[00:03] Jiahao: TELL ME
[00:03] homeward bound.: that day i call you
[00:03] homeward bound.: i was very very emo!!!
[00:03] homeward bound.: and
[00:04] homeward bound.: YOU RATHER PLAY POKER
[00:04] homeward bound.: so hurt
[00:04] homeward bound.: omg
[00:04] homeward bound.: my country
[00:04] homeward bound.: venice
[00:04] homeward bound.: drowned already
[00:04] homeward bound.: because of how hurt
[00:04] homeward bound.: all my tears
[00:04] homeward bound.: it drowned in my tears!!
[00:05] Jiahao: IM SORRY
[00:05] Jiahao: YOU DIDNT TELL ME WHY
[00:05] Jiahao: AND I WAS ALREADY PLAYING
[00:05] homeward bound.: cause I GOT PLAYED
[00:05] homeward bound.: you were playing
[00:05] Jiahao: NOT KNOWING YOU ARE HURT
[00:05] homeward bound.: BUT I GOT PLAYED
lmao irrationality, i haz it